Even If
by CellarDoorsEvilBunnies
Summary: What if Donnie's jump back in time didn't quite work out? He's just hours early, but that could make all the difference. Please review! Now COMPLETED! All four chapters! Yey!
1. Even If

Blotches of pale blue duskiness form a distressed halo around the soft ground where his body lies, and just as the sun rises above the mountainous view, the early light stretches out to highlight him. He stands, half shakily, squints and straightens out.  
He shouldn't know. The same golden, picturesque hilltops. He looks around. The same dusky ground. His bicycle laid unanimated next to him.  
  
He blinks. Suddenly in his mind it all comes back to him. Horrifying preminisions run backwards in his mind like a distorted film, like cogs and spinning tops dancing in his brain. It's all the same. Again. He can feel it all again with the sounds skipping inside of him. Something had gone wrong. He was here again.  
  
Donnie frowns. It shouldn't be like this, he thinks and rubs his forehead. He stares out into the wide open space and pouts incontently. A minor fault. So small, but something had gone wrong. Donnie frustratedly looks around. It crosses his mind what could possibly happen now. Just to check that nothing would go wrong. Again.  
  
He gulps and closes his eyes when he realises he could see _her_ just one more time. But he can't. That would ruin everything for sure... and it tears at him.  
  
When he had gone back, it had been eighteen hours too soon. And here he was, on Carpathian Ridge, again. It was a small miscalculation, but in eighteen hours so much could happen. He couldn't go back. The sunrise picked out his wet pupils. He turns to the shadows. In eighteen hours he could see her face just once more, hear her voice, touch her skin, but she doesn't even know he exists. Donnie scowls. He laughs. He's really pissed off. He knows he wouldn't be able to stop himself. She'd think he was mad! Why the hell could couldn't he just get the goddamn time right? Stupid, he mutters to himself. And he knows he can't go back, even as the valley beckons him he knows he'll never see Gretchen Ross again. At least she still had her life. Donnie cries inside knowing she'll never realise who he is. What he did for her. For everyone. But he can't show it, he thinks as his body drops limply to the plunging valley floor.  
  
Even if nothing will ever be the same again.


	2. Echoes

His mind flinches, a skip in the tape, deja vou.... Donnie grabs the branch of a nearby tree to steady himself as he steers his bicycle towards the main path, he mounts it uneasily, summoning what strength he had into powering the pedals. It almost seemed to him like the trees were moving past him and not the other way around... as if he couldn't control the fact he was moving. His uncontrollable fate. It was his life that he had already lived. Already fucked up... and he needed to put it straight. As Donnnie pedalled faster his thoughts kept in pace with his speed, every contradiction and possible outcome spinning inside him like his own demons toruring his soul of what he may be capable of.   
  
Morning sunlight illuminated Middlesex when Donnie Darko went by, the houses and people welcoming him to his horrific destiny as his past sealed behind him. Two women speedwalking with weights smiled and passed and Donnie blinked when he saw an a familiar red car speed towards him on his left. He breathed steadily knowing that nothing he could do should mess up what was supposed to happen.  
  
All at once, it all came crashing down.... his plan, nothing should change, he repeated in his head. His stomach muscles tensed, his eyes froze on a figure he had not seen before, at least not then... until now and Donnie fluctered and swayed. He looked warily behind him. Gretchen Ross had just passed by on her bike. It was for that second only, Donnie considered turning around.. just following her for a bit, but no, how dumb would that be? It was almost like his kismet was tempting him, determined to toy with his future. Still he continued weaving unevenly onwards as he gaped over his shoulder and proceeded to crash into the kerb and then fall off his bike and hit a tree. It made a loud thud as he hit the ground and cursed quietly, muttering to himself about how he should never have looked in the first place and he desperately tried to get up, rubbing his injured leg worriedly, because Gretchen had seen him.  
  
She stopped pedalling, got off her bike and turned it around heading towards Donnie.  
Fuck,' he mumbled, limping hurriedly away, but it was too late.  
Hey,' Gretchen called out, now a couple of metres apart, Are you ok?'  
Donnie paused and turned around slowly. He looked at the ground and then up to her. He looked into her eyes. The same eyes that had looked out to him hopelessly as the wheel of the car had....  
Yeah, I'm, er... fine. Really. Thanks...'  
...crushed her unanimated body.  
She smiled at him, now very much alive. He turned to go.  
I'm new here,' she continued, Who are you?'  
And her wishful stare took in the sight of a very uncomfortable Donnie.  
Donnie....' he replied wistfully, Donnie Darko..'  
Gretchen walked closer, she tilted her head to the side.  
Sounds like some sort of Superhero.'  
Donnie bit his lip and grinned, in a knowingness that his future was manifesting itself in his present, but not sure whether it was good or bad, he found it impossible to resist, without hesitation, like a line from a film he was sick of watching he found himself say  
How do you know I'm not?'  
  
And Donnie heard echoes behind him in a distant memory of what should have been yet to come.


	3. Torn

And now he was his present. He lived for a purpose and now that purpose was over. Emptiness but not without redemption.   
  
As Donnie and Gretchen strolled in sielence for perhaps what was only a fraction of nothing, his face remained somnolent while the flickering shafts of sunlight lightened his face in blotches through the gaps in the trees. He skipped a breath.  
Gretchen looked up hopefully and caught Donnie's eyes, perhaps as easily as she had captured his breath and equally his mind in that moment.   
Donnie turned his head right around, his eyes searching desperately for something to transfer his attention to. It was only then that he realised how he was nervously rubbing the handlebars of his bike. His teeth scraped his bottom lip and he let go of the bars and the bicycle swerved from his control momentarily.  
She caught it. She laughs. Laughter still comes easily to the blissfully ignorant... and the positively insane.  
Here you go, Gretchen smiled, Are you sure you're ok? You look a little freaked out.  
  
But he _wasn't _insane! He was fine. Just fine and everything would have been better if he hadn't messed up this stupid time thing.  
Er, no, I'm fine, honestly...  
Donnie had a wave of relief hit him. Everything WAS FINE. Nothing had happened... yet. He needed to get away.  
I should, uh, go now... He gazed back to Gretchen and saw her soul staring back, yearning to make contact with his, but his was guarded, in a cage, protected by a thousand armies and just then a thousand less.  
  
I'm gonna start school here. Do you go to school here? She pushed back her dark hair and sheltered her eyes to look at him better.  
Do I know you?  
  
Donnie started. He turned to her, desperate for refuge from his thoughts.  
He replied, his voice practically croaking it out. Listen, I-I.. I gotta go.. He said, his eyebrows raising and dropping in despondency.  
  
Donnie got on his bike and rode off. He turned the corner and he winced, his despair evident on his face.  
  
This was all wrong, he thought as he got clumsily off his bike. All his fault, as he trudged in a state of abstraction up the stairs. For now he knew, it would be a million times harder than when he had first thought. For now it would not be quick, he would be spared the luxury of little choice, because for the first time, he felt as though he had a choice, and it spoke to him. Despite the ever changing contradictions of his better sense.   
  
Because nothing was left.   
  
Nothing at all,   
  
he repeated to himself as the shards of splintered roof beams dug visciously into his regardlessly beating heart.  
  
Which in turn poisoned his still decaying mind.  
  
And it tore at him.  
  
I don't want to die......   
  
Gretchen Ross sped by his window outside on her bicyle.  
  
I don't want to die.


	4. Free

Low and grating. In. Out. In. Out.   
  
The darkness from the corners of his room had eyes.  
Donnie stayed still so he could hear his own hoarse breaths. In. Out. He rubbed his eyes.  
  
His vision was pixellated. Every tiny speck of darkness shrouded his sight. The walls of his room appeared to cave in on him, the clock at the side of his bed relentlessly ticking.  
  
The darkness had eyes, his room had audition. Walls were paper-thin. Surely the whole house could hear him breathing? His eyes darted accross the room, taking in everything. Infact, he was pretty sure his whole face had clouded over. If only his mind could do the same.  
  
Ten more minutes. Ten whole goddamn minutes. Last minutes, he told himself, make the most of them. He chuckled to himself. This is funny. Hasn't this already happened? He rolled over onto his side, still laughing. It couldn't be five to already.... isn't it funny how time flies when you're having fun? He smothered his giggles into the pillow. This wasn't funny. He was insane! Ha! He remembered promising himself he wasn't... Just a little confused, the product of unconventional regulation.  
  
He felt his thumb rise up to his mouth to gently rub his bottom lip in reluctant anticipation.  
  
11:56.  
  
Out of the blue, Donnie heard a gentle thud against the window.  
He sat up up bolt straight, a surge of recallation running through his body, accompanied with a rush of fear. This wasn't supposed to happen.  
  
Catiously, Donnie rose from his bed to the window, to be greeted by another pebble hurled at his window. He blinked in shock and then peered down into the inky blackness, his eyes adjusting to the night.  
  
A lone figure stood on his front lawn. Donnie picked out that she was holding a white sheet of paper and her long raven hair hung around her shoulders.   
  
It was Gretchen. He narrowed his eyes, his pupils bulging and his brain throbbing as something distant came back to him.  
  
Two letters.... Roberta Sparrow....  
sigh of relief....... time machine.......  
Two letters. Donnie blinked. That meant... the sheet of paper... he must have...  
  
Donnie hurridley opened the window. Gretchen looked up in relief, hope shining through the tears in her gaze.  
  
I remember, Donnie! I remember! Her voice was straining in near desperation.  
Go away! Donnie yelled, I don't know you, go away!  
He choked on his last words, he had to get her to go... it was the only way, right?  
What?! Donnie, let me in! Gretchen was now directly underneath his window, I got the letter... and Donnie, I do! I.... remember you.  
  
Donnie breathed heavily and bit his lip.  
Go home, Gretchen. He shut the window and lent his back against it, before drawing the curtains and climbing back into his bed, choking mentally on his own martyrdom. He gulped.....   
He moved his gaze across the ceiling, tracking an imaginary route of a plane flying rapidley over a different sky.  
  
Gretchen... I don't know if you will even know who I am...  
  
He sucked in sharp gasps of air and rolled his eyes further across the ceiling.  
  
...but if you know what I mean, I want to explain some things.... and tell you something.  
  
The sky ruptured with formidable pain. Gargantuous clouds enveloped the grim morning sky and set a preminision of the past. Light erupting from the engraved pattern in the sky reached out to an isolated figure and only this one person can see its proportion.  
  
My name is Donnie Darko. If this makes any sense, I would have known you if things had been different. I want to tell you, if I never get the chance again, that I love you and I still do. I don't think you'll ever know me, or remember me but I hope one day your life is going to be as beautiful and peaceful as you always wanted it to be. When you've read this, I won't be here anymore to explain things and I'm not even sure how you can remember someone you haven't even met yet, I can only hope that something happens to remind you and that you know that I loved you....  
  
His eyes pinpointed a spot above him directly and he then glanced over to the clock on his table.  
  
12:00.  
  
Outside, Gretchen heard a car pull up near the drive and she ducked in the bushes, clutching the piece of paper close to her chest. Slowly she sank into the soil wondering if she was too late to stop the inevitable.  
  
A far-off whirring was spiralling towards him, and Donnie could feel it. Even as he lay motionless, his expression now blank and parallel to the the ceiling, he could feel his chest heave as the distant vibrations shook him before they reached him physically.  
  
Gushes of air sped past the fateful missile as it hurtled towards its target....  
  
Donnie craned his neck back, his eyes now boaring into the ceiling, willing the plaster to crack.  
  
Gretchen stared out into the empty darkness and saw a girl get out of the red car and walk towards the front door. She was metres away and Gretchen closed her eyes in submission to the fact that the boy she would hardly now know was about to be erased from her life permanently... again.  
  
Time practically now stood still and Donnie saw it come even before it hit the roof.  
  
Elizabeth lent back in ecstacy against the front door and smiled to herself.  
  
The prodigious impact could be heard throughout the street, the whole of Middlesex, assuredly. A roof tile slid off the roof, almost hitting Gretchen as she lay curled, her eyes screwed fast shut in the fragile shelter of the bush.  
  
It was strange how Donnie had been expecting it, longing for it to put him out of his misery for what had seemed an eternity, so he never even flinched when the plane engine came. As it spliced through the meegre plaster on his ceiling, the rafters cracking under the immense weight.  
  
His mind agonising over what should have been his painless release  
  
as the vast shards of rafters darted and loomed towards Donnie, his eyes blacked out in vacancy with what little remains of his sanity telling him ceaselessly to ignore his fear.  
  
The giant shaft of wood shot through the sheet penetrating the skin on his chest. His body lunged forward with the impact, falling then abruptly down back to the mattress, now soaked in red. The wooden spear finally lodged in his chest and he gazed around his now delapadated room, his final raspy breaths moving the rafter slighty as he squirmed, his soul escaping from the pain.  
  
Donnie hoped it would go soon..... he promised himself it would... and he saw Gretchen shaking under the porch uncertain of what to do and he felt rueful. He saw Elizabeth curled by the front door as the chandelier swung fragments of plaster from its bulb. His father startled in the front room, his mother getting up trembling from her bed.  
  
Donnie knew he was dead. He had been even before the first shaft of the roof had split. The slow deterioration of his mind, now only completed by the collapse of his body. Donnie smiled to himself. This was funny. He laughed. It was hilairious. The warmth swallowing his body even as he grinned in his newfound knowledge and the light reopening his eyes to what he had wanted for a long time now.  
  
Even if.... even if he had waited an eternity. Nothing mattered anymore.  
  
He was free.


End file.
